Is what I’d been singing in my head after I found out that r/Birmingham refers to Birmingham, Alabama. It felt like the reverse of when you tell Canadians you’re going to London and they respond, befuddled, „why?“ thinking you mean London, Ontario. And in fairness, a Brit’s response to „I‘m going to Birmingham“ is no different, and I guess Thatcher deserves a big thank you for why a city with such a rich history is relegated to Birmingham, UK.

And in case you‘re wondering if I‘ll indicate why I was in Birmingham – my name is not Martin though I am a king, but not one with wealth to spare on an overpriced Dubai to London ticket, so I decided to land in Birmingham and make a day trip out of it, and see what this place whose main attraction is „get to the nearest station and get out of there“ offers. 

Birmingham Airport

Ok I didn’t intend to continue with the MLK references but my first impression of the city other than the super cramped airport was injustice at immigration. 

I witnessed a family of four, mum and two kids holders of British passports, being forced to stay in the international line as the father, holder of a Pakistani passport, was prevented from using the EU/UK line. The airport personnel was quite strict: if you want to use the EU/UK line you need to separate.

Thankfully for the dad, the international line moved quick partly due to one of the officers from the EU/UK section who, strangely, refused to take people, including families, from his line until he was told off by a fellow officer. 

The whole situation was so bizarre to watch that I was left puzzled for the record 8 minutes that it took to get through immigration – thanks to my fast legs and divine intervention that stopped me from making any shrewd comments… otherwise I’d be writing you this letter from Birmingham jail.

Ok I’ll stop now. 

Birmingham New Street

Birmingham‘s signposting is some of the worst I‘ve seen. The airport funnels you to the bus and taxi area, and it’s not until you walk to the buses (that are SO useful that they only drive you to the parking spots) and talk to the drivers that you learn that there is a monorail that can take you to Birmingham International train station.

But it’s not so simple: you have to walk to departures, and then disobey the very clear instruction of „departing passengers only“ and then go past the check in area to get to it. 

The trains are comprised of two tiny carriages only, which makes me wonder if the shitty signposting is by design to optimise for the maximum passenger capacity. It was an awkward journey with me and three others, each occupying a corner of the carriage trying our best to avoid eye contact with one another as the train jerked around, causing us to rock ever so slightly from side to side. I broke our secret pact by blessing the man next to me, after he sneezed, in my soft and barely audible voice.  

My train ride from Birmingham International to Birmingham New Street was pleasant until I saw the dozen police officers standing at the gates. I then realised I had stumbled into a game of hide and seek as the station was teeming with crackheads who were pretending to be passengers rather well. Add this to the long tally of Crackheads 1, Cops 0. 

Mercado Central 

The most interesting part of Birmingham was the collection of markets in Bullring. Walking through the main building immediately took me back to the mercado central in Huaraz, Peru: the height of the building was the same, the layout of the stalls the same, the width between them the same, the types of products they sold the same. And no one was trying to sell anything: every buyer was there with a purpose. I was treated like I was invisible, which I relished as the last thing I wanted was for my ogling eyes to be interrupted by meaningless small talk. 

The energy in the outside market, which sold fruits and vegetables, and some fabrics, was also lovely. Not too different to that of any market, but I felt it deeply as it reminded me of the delicious fruits and foods I tried in Huaraz. I wonder given my affinity to Peru if there is an ancestral truth to the phrase I use jokingly „soy 100% peruano“… notwithstanding of course the opinion of the current government in Lima. 

Digbeth

My aimlessness and failure to secure a Spanish walking tour of the city led to me desperately scanning r/BirminghamUK for recommendations. I decided to walk through the graffiti‘d streets of Digbeth.

I felt many things here, and mind you I was already at a theme park of emotions given that I had watched Obsession, You’re Dating a Narcissist and Sirat on my flight. It was so bad that I teared up multiple times while eveswatching Avengers Endgame from my neighbour‘s screen. 

All that exposition to say that the most memorable emotion from Digbeth was the same emptiness that I felt when I visited Bradford. 

Luckily the weather was great  and the streets were full of colour so I was able to distract myself from mural to mural. 

This search took me to a few interesting places: Alfred works, an arcade/food market, Red Brick, an excellent alternative shop and Grand Union, an art museum. I realised that unlike Bradford, Digbeth is more like Brick Lane/Shoreditch, and I‘m sure that gentrification will eventually run its course, and perhaps it will then look alive.  

The documentary „Learning to drive in Birmingham“ at Grand Union left me with enough food for thought to fuel my walk back to the city centre so I could see the bits that have already been gentrified. 

Rock to Metal

Just in case the title of this article offended my Canadian cousins and friends, forgive me. I am young, dumb, and my knees felt like they were from the 60s so I had to kneel to rest, and as soon as I took in the street art in front of me the Confederate garbage I was singing in my head was drowned by „FINISHED WITH MY WOMAN COS SHE COULDN‘T HELP ME WITH MY MIND“. 

It turns out that the heavy metal band Black Sabbath (perhaps most famously known for Ozzy Osbourne) was born in Birmingham. I found a few murals dedicated to them and remembered first hearing their song „Iron Man“ in probably the best Marvel movie to date, Iron Man. I remember almost collapsing in the harsh summer heat of Dubai while running a 10k and syncing my strides to what is the sickest riff I‘ve heard to date.

And with that, I felt connected to Birmingham for the first time. Perhaps this is a moment for you to reflect on how connected we humans are to one another, instead of continuing down the individualist path you are on which will inevitably lead you to hell.

Canalside

The canals were so lovely, and I felt guilty that I enjoyed the gentrification. I could see myself going on unending walks along them. 

But as I looked beyond the facade I remembered what gentrification does. The only shops and restaurants around were mega chains that I would do my best to avoid. 

And so I turned back to the train station thinking that gentrification is hollowing out what deindustrialization did not.

Bye Bye 

Birmingham was interesting until the last moment. 

I was having a pleasant phone conversation with my friend Juan while having dinner when I witnessed the smoothest robbery ever. The dodgy guy that was standing next to me waited until the Boots staff attended to a customer, took 3 steps in, pocketed a few fragrances and walked out as if he’d just purchased a bottle of water. I guess this brings the tally to Crackheads 2, Cops 0.

It was finally time for me to board my train, but it seemed like the signposters hadn’t had enough of torturing me: the departure board said „platform 5“ but confusingly it also said „1st blue zone, std red zone“. I tried to rationalise this as „first class go to the blue zone and miskeen class go to the red zone“ but my theory, while sound, proved unhelpful since none of the gates in the blue zone said „5“ and the only gate „5“ was gate 5c at the red zone. I wondered how someone who doesn’t know that „a“, „b“ and „c“ refer to sections of a platform is supposed to navigate to the right place without feeling a certain level of anxiety. 

Oh and I forgot to mention that the bathrooms in the station are accessible only after you pass through the gate.

Birmingham: 1 

Tsunami: 0