Vulnerability

It’s strange to look back at situations where I realised that what was going to happen next was inevitable: my mind and body froze in complete submission, not even attempting to resist.

My mind has been split in two this past week: a part pretending like everything is normal, and the other replaying the moment when I accepted that I was going to die.

It feels quite strange to look back at the fact.

It makes me wonder if this is how people who come back from comas feel. I suspect that they too, like me, learn to compartmentalise trauma and hide it deep inside the subconscious.

I wonder if I will ever truly overcome the trauma, or if it will always haunt me at different stages of myself. I sometimes fear that I’m unable to graduate from my feelings.

Acceptance

I spent time with my twin when his father passed away. This was the first time I saw him shed his lighthearted nature in favour of the situation: he was quiet and with eyes that always looked away.

One day as I walked with him, he told me that I should pray. He told me that for God it doesn’t matter how good you are – it doesn’t matter if you refuse his one ask for prayer – because rejecting that makes you arrogant.

He’s correct. It is arrogant to think, against an entity whose power far exceeds yours, that you can negotiate your position for rejecting his one ask. In that position you have two choices: 1) to submit, and 2) to stick with your self-respect and accept hellfire.

I’ve been thinking of that interaction with my twin recently. I’ve been thinking about what I would do in a situation where I am faced with the inevitable, but instead of freezing I have the agency to act.

New Beginnings

I’ve been seeing many sakuras around me, which is a sign of new beginnings! The gray and harsh winter seems to be easing (at least where I am), and I find myself more balanced as the sun’s beautiful kisses grace my skin.

While I am shaken by my recent experience I am resolved to continue forwards. To overcome my fears and to grow my strengths. And to make the most of this short life that I have.