I have had a deep relationship with the clouds.

They anchored me when I experienced the harshness of European weather.

On rainy days when they covered the skies whole I submitted to their greatness.

On freezing days when they were split by the sun, I admired their beauty.

And on sunny days when they were not present, I longed for their shadows to protect me.

But this relationship was one-sided, and it has now transformed into something else. Here I present my strongest memories from it.

Memory 1

I was walking back home on a beautiful April evening. The weather was nice: cool but calm with no harsh winds. The sky was how I like it most: mostly clear but with beatiful patches of clouds here and there. I love them like this because you can see all their complex textures. They remind me of the ocean. Of non-determinism. And of a deep philosophy that we humans seem to have lost since we became obsessed with facts and logic.

I don’t remember what I was going through exactly, but given who I was back then I must’ve been preoccupied with the anxieties of life that most of us go through: uncertainty about the future, about ourselves, about our relationships.

And so I looked up to the sky asking for peace, but in response I saw myself, and felt a deep shudder within.

Memory 2

While I recognise the bitter nature of European winter, I must admit that it only started to really affect me after nearly a decade. All the years preceeding had just been weakening me without me realising it, but it was the unrelenting gray skies and storms of this winter that finally broke me.

On a particularly difficult day, when the grayness seemed to suck all joy from my soul, I finally understood what my English biology teacher told my friend back in school: “Why do you want to move there? Have you heard of SAD?”.

And so I looked up to the sky feeling lonely and scared, but only the devil responsed because God wasn’t there.

Memory 3

The good news is that what is broken can be so easily unbroken. The little sunlight that graced my skin in the past week has been so uplifting that I feel like I’m traveling again. Every brick around me is popping, everything looks so new and shiny! It reminds me how much I yearn for warmth that I cannot get here, or at least not now.

I found myself looking at the clouds again. This time I didn’t see any darkness in them, but rather the ability to heal.